It’s done.
My first year is done.
The first 25% of my degree, is finished.
And when people asked me how it all went, the only thing I can say is I survived.
That’s what is feels like. I got through it. Its done. I don’t really know what else to say.
I know I am tough on myself. Which, plays a big part in a lot of my emotions towards this past year. I just somehow have it my mind that if I don’t like cure cancer, and get straight A’s, and save the entire world that means I am average.
I don’t want to be average. I hate the idea that I am just average. You could probably do an entire psychology study just around why the idea of mediocrity makes me feel on edge.
But I think what I have figured out this year is that opportunity costs is more then just an economics concept.
Opportunity cost is the idea that to be able to get something you want the way you want you have to give up something else. For example if you want to go to a certain school, you also have to be willing to move 1,400 miles away from home, and not be super close to family to get that.
But what this school year has taught in regards to opportunity costs, is realistically I can be amazing at a small number things, and average-ish at plenty of others, and still be mentally sound.
That being said, I can sit here and say that all day long, practicing it is a whole other ball game.
The best way I can describe it is I have the principal and “the criminal” inside of my brain battling it out at all times. First semester the principal won, and I exhausted and burnt out my midterms. Seconds semester, “the criminal” won a bit more. And don’t tell my high school self this, but I actually did a lot better when I disobeyed my inner drill sergeant.
It’s also far too note that within my brain also lives a figure that can only be described to outsiders as Barbie.
You know the marketing. “Be who you wanna be Barbie girl”, and how Barbie has had like every career like eight times at this point? Well, within my brain lives Barbie. She thinks she can do anything and everything she points her mind to, and no one will tell her otherwise. Which, is amazingly dangerous.
Barbie went missing first semester, but started coming around again second semester. And, I have to admit, I really missed that inner voice. Its that voice that was like start blog. Its that voice that reminds me I am more then my grades, and that I can do what I want. Its that voice that keeps pushing myself to try new things and see myself in new lights.
The trouble lies, when you mix Barbie with the inner drill, and the inner slacker together. Because I want to do it all, I know I can do it, but I also don’t think it’s even worth doing if its not perfect.
Which leads to me saying I survived my first year instead of I learned a lot or it was amazing or some other superlative conversation filler.
Someone asked me today what I would tell graduating seniors. And my mind drew a complete blank at the time. But I think I know what I would say if I ever get that question again.
You know who you are, and what you are capable of, and what you stand for, and what feels right for you better then anyone else on this planet will ever be able to. Embrace that. Embrace when you feel awesome, embrace when you feel like crap. Embrace the amazing, and embrace the terrible. Embrace learning, and get your school work done. But also embrace Youtube videos and ice cream. Embrace new friends and the disappearance of old ones. Embrace the fact that you are more then just your grades and deserve other interests besides school. Embrace the old. Embrace the new. Embrace the past, present and future you. Embrace the fact it’s never going to be perfect, and fit the image you have your head. But also embrace the fact that doesn’t mean isn’t going amazing.
