Let’s face it, we are all insecure (even just a little about something in our lives), and sometimes we cling to things as a way to attempt to cope with these insecurities. Or,…at least I do.
I could make a list of several things that I am insecure about. And while publishing such a list on the internet sounds like fun, I’d rather not to today (Read:never). But I have had to face some of my own insecurities lately, and I want to talk about it.
Recently I was told to consider changing my major. This sounds harsh, drastic, malicious and rude but it wasn’t. I told this because in the long run doing so would alleviate a lot of stress, and take a lot of my plate. I would still be able to take all the same classes, and would wind up knowing the same stuff. In fact I would have more spare time and more control over the classes that i would be taking.That being said, the suggestion was that I drop from being a music major to a music minor.
The moment the though was even suggested, I was fairly open to it. I never was dead set against it, and was willing to hear my adviser out. It honestly makes more sense for me to switch. But that’s logic talking. My emotions kicked in a moment latter, when I started to feel like I was grieving something.
To be fair I was grieving something, I very much had my mind wrapped around being a music major and what that would for my life. To immediate idea of not doing that, of not being that seemed like being asked to reinvent myself. Something I don’t want to ever do.
Something about no longer being a music major, made me feel like I could no longer say I was a musician, or a guitarist that I would never win a Grammy, or have anyone besides my mom call me a rock star. Which is dumb, like how many successful musicians don’t even have high school diplomas or equivalents? And I am sure Brian May doesn’t feel like any less of a musician with his Astro-physics doctorate.
But all of this made reflect introspectively. It made realize that I have a hard time validating myself, and my emotions. So, I look for outside markers to hit so I know (and everyone else does) that I am whatever. Which is dumb, especially when I am still going to get a music minor. I still got into every music program I applied to. I am still really good.
It’s still an insecurity though, I still feel like maybe I am not a musician now. Realizing this has made realize that once or twice I have projected this insecurity. I can think of several times where I have had thoughts cross my mind that sound a lot like, “Oh, its a shame they aren’t pursuing music professionally, its a waste”, “All those years of music education, and handwork, wasted”, and “Some of us are classically trained”. I am not proud of these sentiments but let them serve as proof that hurting people hurt people.
Why am I insecure about this? Does that part of the equation matter that much? What matters is that fact that I have allowed myself be defined by my major, and I think that a change in it, means a change in me.
I wish I had a grand conclusion for this. I am still working through it. I will be for a while. But I am minor-ly secure in that.
