Pivot!

I am writing this knowing that by the time you are reading it will either be happily looking for shoes for my fall semester, or sweat pants.

I am pretty sure I know exactly what the email that will be sent at exactly 4:32 pm Seattle time tomorrow will say. I’ve read the governor’s statements, I’ve looked at the numbers, I know that age range that makes up the majority of the campus population is the one currently being hit the hardest and I know that pretty much every other school in the area has made the decision.

I am slowing finding the silver linings. I know that this fall is going to be one of growth and change for me no matter where I am. This year has made me really realize who I am, who I want to be, what I am willing to do to get there and what I am truly capable of. I know that matter what I am going to be beating myself for not doing “enough”, because that will probably only fade with youth.

I can look around and know that even though this likely is not going to be a semester that I ever wold have wanted, that it will be okay and that good will come from it. That I will be okay and I will get good out of it. I will make it through all of this and live to tell the tale.

That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. That doesn’t mean I don’t think of everything I am going to be missing out on. That doesn’t mean that I don’t think about all of the people I am going to be missing. That doesn’t mean that this all doesn’t suck.

I can hold these two truths at the same time, and still not want either one of them too be my reality. It all sucks. And maybe trying to find the silver linings is just a way of not dwelling on all of the things that are out of my control. But there is so much, in so many ways that is out of my control right now that I will take power over this one little thing.

One day, I will look back at this moment, this post and I will know what that email said. I will know how this semester goes, and how this chapter ends. But right now, I just want the record to say that I wasn’t afraid, that I knew it was going to end, and that I was going to get through it and be a better person because of it. I want to the record to show that I knew we could get through it, together, even if we have to be apart this fall.