I have never heard anyone else talk about experiencing this, at least not to the extent that I do. I am Serena, and I am whatever the opposite of a shopaholic is.
I don’t even know what the actual word is. But this blog is for me to attempt to share my experiences and inner thoughts with the world. This is something that I think I have been dealing with since I was a teenager. I will say that I think I have made some progress over the years, but I still have a long way to go.
What even am I talking about. At this current moment, if I were to walk into a store and see something that I want to buy, and I bought it, I likely would feel intensely guilty later. Likely that night when trying to sleep the little anxiety alligator, and mean person that both live in my head would start going at it, and I would feel really bad. It is important to note, I would not feel bad that I acquire an item, I would feel bad that I spent money. Heck, I would say I would feel morally inferior to my past self who had a slightly higher bank account balance.
It’s bad. Really bad. Like I once debated whether or not toothpaste was a necessary purchase bad. Not purchasing a $20 Starbucks Tumbler for like three years, even though I kept thinking about it, bad.
The world is much more focused on people who have the opposite problem. Fair. Looking at my bank account balance, no one would probably think there is anything to worry about. If you have ever heard the phrase “No Spend” let me explain it to you. It is basically when you chose to either spend no money or no money on a particular category. I have complete no spend months, by accident.
And it is also important to note, that it’s not like I don’t want things. There are people who just don’t want things, so having spending habits like mine makes sense. I am not that person. I am fine admitting that on the internet. I like stuff. This backfires on me because it makes me put more pressure on gift-giving occasions for other people, and it’s never fair to put expectations of perfection on other people.
The first step in dealing with this is, is admitting that I have the issue. And maybe it’s not even a true problem. But I don’t like this habit that I have so I am working to fix it, and whether other people see it as a problem or not is their issue.
The second step has been accomplished by growing up. I don’t want to be 30 and having my mom sending me toothpaste. This summer, I don’t have a meal plan and have to do my own grocery shopping. It is surprisingly easy to buy food and things I know that need. My brain can realize that there are things that I need to spend money on. Which, is a huge step.
The third surprisingly has been budgeting. I know how much money I have to spend in each category each week and I plan to have wiggle room. Yeah, I basically tell myself that just like I have to buy groceries, I need to buy a “treat yourself” purchase. Yes, I literally put it on my to-do list for the week. It works, don’t judge. I know that all my bills and savings are on auto-pay so I don’t need to worry. I am not sure how I am going to continue with this system in the fall when I return to hourly work, with less of a set schedule. But I am choosing not to worry about that.
To help, I have a running list of things I want to buy and experiences I want to have. I still want to be mindful that I am not just giving in to impulse spending, just say I did my “treat yourself” purchase. I would still rather not spend than wind up with stuff I don’t really want and or need. Sure, sometimes I still impulse buy things. But generally, it is at the grocery store.
I don’t think I have cracked the code of my own brain yet. But I definitely feel a major improvement, which I am proud of.
