To be honest I keep asking myself the same question. The past few weeks I have just felt off, in a way I can’t quite describe.
I happy, don’t get me wrong. But it’s almost like I just don’t want to do anything. Like I do, want to do things, I know doing things makes me feel good but I just don’t want to. And it’s not like stress or anxiety or depression. I also feel like this week, I have really started feeling the tension of being pulled in so many different directions.
I can’t iterate this enough, I am happy in a way that I haven’t been in a while. There is so much going right in my life right now, and I know it’s just going to be at least decent for the next little bit. Yet there is a part of me that’s just like not motivated, which doesn’t even sound like the right way to put it.
Last semester I would get up, log onto class. Do homework right after. Two videos a week, a blog post. Volunteer work, internship applications, school councils, practicing. I recorded, mixed, and produced an entire album. And I would be done with all of that by like 9pm.
Lately, I cant like 75% of to-do list bone by like 8pm. Which isn’t bad, but I feel like 93% of that is done between 5-8pm. Which works, but I am not going to be able to keep it up forever.
I really relate to the metaphor of juggling right now, and maybe not in the way people generally think of it. When the ball is my hand, I can focus on it and get it done and prioritize it. The moment it is up in the air, I can’t focus on it the same way. It should also be noted that I know nothing about juggling, but you get the idea.
It’s so weird. I feel good, but I guess I being hard on myself for not working at the same level of productivity and what not of last semester. Which is fine, my life is different than it was last semester.
I keep going back and forth on whether I need to add something onto my plate, to help or if I need to take something off. I honestly don’t know the answer. I have cut back to one video a week. I miss editing the second video, but it feels right to not have that on plate right.
Long story short. I am 21-year old, under normal circumstances there’s a lot I would be going through and figuring out during this point in my life. Throw in the fact that it’s a pandemic and that had impacted everyone’s lives in myriad ways. To quote The Maine “The only thing I’m really sure of
I’m unsure of almost everything”.
But every time I try to think through it all, I just keep coming back to one thing.
Right here, right now, in this moment in time. I am content and happy in my life, in a way I haven’t been in a while.
